This is Not A Newsletter I Wanted to Write But I Must
Plus My Fourth of July Recipes including Smoked Oysters and Caramel Popcorn Ice Cream
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Hi Friends,
This has been nothing short of an emotionally exhausting week. I thought about skipping the newsletter this week, but I made you a promise last weekend. I’d already drafted some of this newsletter, and my recipe collection for the Fourth of July was ready to go. I considered not writing what had been on my mind, which weighed heavy on my heart. But writing helps me say things I might never be able to speak. I apologize in advance if this newsletter is too emotional.
My ginger tabby, Vesper, who sometimes shows up in my newsletters and keeps me company while I cook and write, is sick, and things aren’t looking too good. He acted odd, and his appetite was no longer the voracious normal I’d become accustomed to. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with stage I renal disease; he’d made a comeback after weeks of medical care. But now it’s come back, and he is in the final stage, which, according to the vet, means it could be a month or up to 6 months before we must say goodbye. He’s been a mainstay in my life and my career. He was with me for the three cookbooks I’ve published since 2018 but won’t be here for the fourth. Even as I write this newsletter, I switch from present to past tenses when referring to him; it feels strange to write this way.
Nearly ten years ago, I adopted Vesper from the Oakland Animal Shelter; his name was Eugene, and his papers said he was four years old. We think he might be closer to 12 or 14 years. According to his surrender and adoption papers, his original owners gave him up because “he was destructive and threw things down”. When I met him, he lay down on his back and let me rub his belly. We instantly bonded, and I had to give him a chance. I had no idea ginger tabbies had so much personality; Vesper has so much of it.
Like any relationship, life with Vesper has its ups and downs. He commands the room and lets you know it when he walks in. He spoke a lot and loudly until he got his way. He could be chaotic, but he was also loving and a gifted nurturer. When I rescued my second cat, Drogy, Vesper protected and cuddled with him all day. They’d chase each other around. Vesper is attached to me; he follows me if I leave the room. Even though his energy levels are much lower now, he still follows me everywhere. He liked to chew plastic, so we’d have to hide any plastic-covered items away or tell guests to keep their luggage secure. He’d steal treats, so you’d have to keep an eye on him when my other cat was fed. He sits in my lap or on my chest in the evenings when I watch TV or work on the daily crossword. Vesper was there for me when I lost my first pet, my dog Snoopy, to cancer.
When we moved from Oakland to LA, Vesper broke through his soft nylon crate while we were in the car. I was terrified he’d run out as soon as we opened the door when we reached our new home. He didn’t, we managed to hold on to him and take him in. I never bought another nylon crate. When guests come over, he quickly greets them at the door. He could be troublesome and incessantly demanding, but he is my trouble to love. He had anxiety issues, which is why I suspect he was given up in the first place, but I chose to bring him to our home. I could never give him up. I knew if I returned him, he might not get another chance. I knew I must take care of him till the end.
Vesper is no longer interested in what brought him excitement and joy. I look at him now and see a cat, once a ferocious tiger, now slowly losing his energy and appetite for life. He’s thinner than he should be. Later this week, we go to the vet, and I will learn if he is in pain. I will need to make a decision. In my mind, I hold on to the hope that we get more time together, but I also know I can’t let him suffer. All of this is out of my hands; I am not in control and can do nothing.
Death is inevitable; it’s a part of the cycle of life. It will be here soon, yet anticipating grief and loss is not easy. I’ve been through this once before, and it will come again for Drogy and the newest addition to our family, Paddington. The loss of a pet is traumatic and leaves a hole in you. Perhaps it is because they depend on us for everything. When I lost Snoopy, it wasn't easy. I remember his peanut butter scent and the warmth of his head as he lay on my lap, and we sat in the garden doing nothing. After he passed, I’d walk the same streets where we once walked together and recollect every tree and fire hydrant he marked. With Vesper, it will be the same. Soon, I will gaze at the hallway, the kitchen floor where he sat and watched the birds and lizards, my office where he lay on his bed, and the dining table chair where he sat to watch me cook and film. I’m scared I will forget his fragrance or the touch of his paws as he kneads and purs, and his loud voice booming across the house. I need to consider the other two pets and ensure this doesn’t affect them, so I hide my emotions in front of them.
A part of me will soon break, and over time, it will heal, but that fissure will remain. And it should; that is the price of loving a person or a pet. Vesper has left an indelible mark on my soul that I will hold dear to me forever. For his love and companionship, I am eternally grateful.
Nik
This year, for the Fourth of July, I’ve got an assortment of new and old dishes for you: smoked oysters, caramel popcorn ice cream made with Breville’s the Smart Scoop ice cream maker, Indian-style hot dogs that use dal makhani and kachumber salad based on the Sonoran-style hot dogs I ate in Arizona last year, and much more. Access the entire recipe collection here.
To celebrate the Fourth of July holiday, I’m offering a special 20% off on annual subscriptions 🇺🇸 🎉 Your support for recipes and research is always greatly appreciated! Thank you, and have a lovely holiday weekend to all those celebrating.
Your pre-grief for Vesper is such a beautiful tribute to the love that you have for such a beautiful soul with whom you shared a powerful connection. These are the red threads that connect our lives, the pets that link the memories and the moments, that have been with us for so many pivotal times. Grief is such a testimony to love.
I admire your beautifully written heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing. Treasure the moments you will have with Vesper and the memories that will always be in your heart. He is a blessing and you are too.